Mr. Humphrey's Spectacular Show

 

            “Mr. Humphrey’s Spectacular Show” was one of my favorite shows growing up.  Most people are afraid of clowns, but I loved his show because it was hosted by a clown.  It was hosted by not just any clown; it was hosted by “Mr. Humphrey!  The funniest clown around!”  It was my favorite show as a child and was one that had a lot of good jokes.  It reminded me of a lot of shows that were dedicated to adults, but the humor was tailored specifically for kids.  It had enough bizarre wackiness and slapstick humor with the animated characters that played Mr. Humphrey’s.  That was years ago, though.  Now I was a grown man, living in an apartment and trying to relax after working a grueling day hauling trash as a garbageman.  It was far from the glamorous and colorful world of Mr. Humphrey’s Spectacular Show.  Sometimes I wish that I could escape into that show again.  Unfortunately, I hadn’t seen that show in years.  All of that changed a few nights ago.

            While I was flipping through the channels on my tv, I happened upon what appeared to be that old show again, only this time, it looked like a new episode.  I watched on for a bit longer.  It seemed like they were taking a grittier direction with the show and were trying to appeal to an older audience.  That seemed to be the direction for most shows nowadays, take an old show and add some adult grit to it.  What made it strange to me was that he seemed to be the middle of introducing a guest at the end of the show.  I didn’t know what he was doing up until he brought on the guest.  “Now, before we go my friends, please let me welcome my dear friend, Dominic!”  My brain seemed to pause as I watched him bring out a man who looked just like me.  He picked up what looked like a cake knife off of a table where he had been ready to cut some cake for one of the characters, Mr. Stuffles. 

“Before we go, watch this!”  Mr. Humphrey then slit the man’s throat, only this time, it didn’t look like a gag.  All of the characters on stage started to laugh in unison, laughing at this man who looked like me falling limp to the floor and blood spurting out of his neck as his eyes slowly shut and his body stopped moving.   The camera panned from Dominic back to Mr. Humphrey’s.  “Tune in next time where we kill Dominic again!”  All of the characters laughed and the show rolled the outro.  I was left speechless.  This man looked like me, was as big as me, shared my face, and even shared my name.  He looked just like a clone of me.  When I tried to make sense of what was going on, it flipped immediately to commercial.  I was left with nothing but my senses to try and make sense of what just happened.  I tried to let it pass as mere coincidence and went about trying to get some sleep before my shift the next day. 

The next day, I was working with a crew that were emptying out the dumpsters in the finance district.  What left me at a bit of a loss for words was when I tried to help move the dumpster into position, only to see a body in there that looked incredibly similar to me that was wrapped in clear plastic.  I fell back in disbelief.  I tried to collect myself before I called the cops to investigate the situation.  I felt the bag just to be sure that it was the real deal.  It was.  This bag contained a real human body and it resembled me in almost every way.  The body was stripped down to a pair of boxers that looked similar to the ones I wear.  Most disturbing to me of all was a large slash across the man’s throat that looked almost exactly like the cut that was made by Mr. Humphrey on his show that I watched last night. 

The cops arrived to assess the situation and try to collect the body and any information that they could from us.  They immediately began to look into me, as they saw that the body resembled me.  I was brought in to the station for questioning.  They asked me if I had any involvement in the murder of this man, which I denied, of course.  After a long series of questions, they told me that I would need to be in touch with them so that they could be able to reach me if something were to change with the case.  Until that time, I was encouraged to stay away from the crime scene.  My company did something better and decided to give me time off away from work while the investigation was underway.  It seemed like the company didn’t want me to be a liability, so I needed to stay home.  I had my cousin drop off my food and medicine to me whenever I needed it.  For a bit, it seemed to be like a decent arrangement, aside from finding a dead body that looked just like me in a dumpster.  I found myself situated on my couch, flipping through channels and watching television for the rest of that day, up until night came around and another episode of this gritter version of “Mr. Humphrey’s Spectacular Show” came on.  What made it more disturbing to me this time was that the set was new and the scene looked different, except for the last part of the show where Mr. Humphrey brought on another man named Dominic and slashed his throat with a cake knife.  He ended the show by saying the same thing as he did last time.  “Tune in next time where we kill Dominic again!” 

I was starting to shake now.  I looked up online how many more episodes to this new show there were.  I saw that there were twelve episodes.  What made this disturbing to me was how the episode that I had just watched was the eleventh episode.  Apparently, there were more like this and the last episode of this revival of “Mr. Humphrey’s Spectacular Show” was supposed to air tomorrow night.  I dreaded the prospect of watching the show again, but morbid curiosity got the better of me.  I decided to turn it on to the last episode and watched as they recapped much of the events that went on episodes prior and resolved some storylines with some of the minor characters, all save for one, the character that looked like me, Dominic.  By the time the end of the episode came around, Mr. Humphrey chimed in.  “Oh!  There’s one last thing, everyone!  We don’t have our guest!  Please, Mr. Squidlin, can you retrieve Dominic for our last ever episode?”  That was the moment I turned on the television and ran for my car.  I started hearing something coming from the toilet and started running to the door.  I grabbed my phone and keys and decided to try and make a run for it.  In my rear-view mirror, I saw what looked like a disheveled Mr. Squidlin chasing after my car.  I turned down the street and saw two more characters posted up at the stop sign.  I was in full-on panic now.  I drove past rows upon rows of what looked like cheering people and characters from the show.  I thought that I saw cameras posted up everywhere.  These people were watching me, waiting for the confrontation with Mr. Humphrey.  They wanted to see me die.

I decided to take the risk and drove off to the police station, only to see it closed off and road blocks that redirected to the entertainment district.  I knew what was going on now.  They were leading me straight to him.  So, I did something brave.  I drove straight to the film studio where they hosted “Mr. Humphrey’s Spectacular Show” and ran inside of the building.  I stopped as I realized that, while lights were on, nobody was inside the main entrance.  I made my way further inside, dark rooms becoming illuminated as they lead further and further back to the actual studio.  I went inside and found the set, the set that I grew up watching as a child.  I was on the set of “Mr. Humphrey’s Spectacular Show!”  There was no escape for me now.  I started to panic, my body trembling as I started to look for a way out, only to turn around and be met face to face with the man who I grew up thinking was a hero, only to confront me as the murderous villain that he is.  “Welcome, Dominic!  We couldn’t have done this without you!  Why don’t you smile and wave to the camera?”

I meekly waved at the camera set that was watching while canned screams of joy played throughout the room.  Tears were running down my face now.  I didn’t want to die, but it looked more and more like I was going to become one of the many Dominics before who had died.  Mr. Humphrey raised up his cake knife, as he had done so many times before and readied himself.  “Oh!  Did I almost forget to give you your cake?  You never did seem to get your cake, did you, Dominic?”

The cake, the cake that had been there for the last eleven episodes was finally being cut.  Mr. Humphrey picked up a slice and was readying himself to hand it off to me before his foot moved and he stepped on a square tile that sank down.  “Sike!”  With that last word, I felt the floor give way beneath me as I slid down a slide down into what looked like the basement of the studio.  Inside were large containers that were holding what looked like clones of me.  It was completely bizarre what was happening, up until the real mastermind behind all of this showed himself.  Mr. Humphrey came down a few moments later and took off his makeup and costume in front of me.  “Hello, my name is Virgil, Virgil Humphrey.  Pleased to meet you, Dominic!”  He extended his hand towards me.  “Well, come on now!  Shake my hand, please!”  I reached my hand out and shook his hand.  “We couldn’t have done this without you, Dominic.  Or, rather I should say that we couldn’t have done this without your DNA.”  Virgil started to walk towards the glass containers and put his hand on one of them.  “You know, comedy has changed so much since you showed up on the scene.  Now we have live bodies to do our stunts on!  It’s changed the entertainment industry to have people like you who’ve volunteered their DNA to us to be used for the entertainment of millions!  With more people like you donating their DNA, we’ll have enough to have clones and stunt doubles for every major celebrity in the business!”

I was confused.  I had no idea how he managed to get my DNA, much less clone me.  “How did you do this?  I never gave you all my DNA.”

“Oh, but you did!  When you donated your DNA to Heritage Industries, you donated it to us!  Our parent company owns stock in Heritage, meaning we have access to your DNA and the DNA of millions of others!  And when you sign that contract that lets you see your DNA, you signed away your right to your privacy for your DNA.  THAT is how we were able to clone you.”

I felt betrayed.  I took a DNA test a year ago to try and understand my heritage and where I came from, since my father was never around and my mother would often sit me down in front of “Mr. Humphrey’s Spectacular Show” to distract me while she worked.  The man that filled up so much of my life was now using me to be the subject of his darkest joke that he ever did on his set; killing people for entertainment.  “See, Dominic…we’ve been needing people like you.  Clones like yours are hard to come by.  They’re so useful for everything from organ transplants to having stunt doubles in shows and movies.  But we have a problem.  Your DNA has been used too many times and is starting to deteriorate.  We need more samples.  If you sign this contract with us, you’ll never have to work again.  All we’ll require of you is some more samples of your DNA, that way we have a supply of your DNA on hand.” 

I was hesitant to sign the document, but Virgil was insistent.  “I don’t know about this.  Will more people die because of this?”

Virgil looked at me with encouragement in his eyes and tried to convince me further.  “Come on, Dominic!  If you sign this document, you’ll be rich and will never have to work another day in your life!  Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to just watch shows at home and never have to work that gross job that you do as a garbageman ever again?  You could quit all of that, leave your old apartment, and start a new life!  With the power of genetic engineering, all that we would need is more samples of your DNA to do it.  People would just notice the same guy in their favorite shows getting killed, but it’s not really other people.  They’re clones of you.  They’re you.  You become the master of death if you sign this contract.  You are the man who will never die if you sign this.  Sign this and your old life ends.  Sign this so that your new life of freedom and luxury can begin.”

I paused, thinking about all of what he was saying.  After my pause was over, I signed the contract and agreed to give more DNA samples.  Ever since that night, everything about my life has changed.  I receive a regular check with tens of thousands of dollars attached to it every month.  I never have to work again in my life and all that it took was a sample of my DNA and some clones of myself being introduced on that revival of “Mr. Humphrey’s Spectacular Show”.  While I can’t help the feeling that I’m contributing to the murder of countless human beings, I can at least try to convince myself at night that it’s not really anyone else that’s dying.  After all, they’re only copies of me and nobody else, so as long as they are the ones dying and not anyone important, it should be fine, right?